The Incredible Sulk

Moile pour le Mallu

2008-04-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Macbeth and his three whacked out witches have cursed me. I am paying the price of making fun of Malayalee names. Here is a collective list that I have been collecting over the years:

Mind you these are official names.

Breezy
Blessy
Bendy
Princy
Happymon & Honeymon (brothers…yes…alas)
Greeny (there is the north indian equivalent: Pinky)
Telmy (pronounced as tell-me…as in…what?)
Nojin (Clearly the brother is, Yes-jin)
Sojin (My bad)
Jetsy (zoom)
Rejin
Tendril (yes, as in hair…and I haven’t made this up)
Gendil (A mallu is a simble Gendil-man)
Gromit (Wallace and…?)
Rogeo
Gejo (yes Varghese, my Bhai, your name too) and it’s alternatives Jijo
Joji
Jesmi
Jendi
Lijon
Tijon
Sijon
Tijo
Sijo
Bijo
Nobin
Novin (which sounds like a trade name for Novocain or an OC pill)
Bovin (add an ‘e’ and you get…? Hint: a form of tuberculosis)
Mando
Pando
Moley (name of recipe of de jour)
Mol
Money

Potentials to this list: By Gejo (my bhai). These are the names he concocted for the most adorable baby in the world – my nephew Gubbu Singh:

Subjohn
Johnsub (sandwich?)

Thankfully he chose Tulsi’s husband’s name (as in Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi) instead. Mihir…amar…hai…dot com? Instead of a future as a coconut oil baron, Gubbu can now have a career with Balaji Telefilms.

All of the following are substitutes for a brilliant name… ‘Sebastian’
Sibi,
Sabu
Sebi (not SEBI, as in the stock exchange)
Siji
Siju
Saji

Here is a more seasoned list. Check this out
Interested in the formulation of Mallu names? Read this

As for me – I think I’ll name my kid Pukey.

So…them crazy witches have cursed me…and I’ll probably have to delete this post if the fates have truly sealed my fate…

Until then in praise of the glorious state with the highest education rates yet the poorest sense of nomenclature:

I give you jest a simble resipee (maybe that should be the name) favored by the peepul of the gelf:

Fish Moilee (pronounced as Moley…which is also...in the list)

Spice quotient: Fair...i think this is the least spicy but some may find it spicy

Fish…white fish is better: use surma or pomfret. (take enough for 4 people)
1" cinnamon stick (dalchini, idiot!)
2 green cardamoms (elaichi…dumb@ss)
5-6 cloves of garlic sliced,
1 tablespoon ginger slivers
4 green chillies
1 onion sliced
1 tomato diced, plus another sliced later for garnish
Turmeric powder 1 tsp
1 cup water
½ tsp coarsely crushed black peppercorns
1 tablespoon(s) lime juice
Curry leaves (as per your taste)
2 cup coconut milk
Oil…preferably coconut. 2 tablespoons.
Salt to taste

Heat the oil in a heavy-bottomed pan till hot and fry the cinnamon and elaichi till light brown. Add the garlic, ginger, green chillies and onions. Sauté for till the onions have turned pink or brownish if you have red color blindness.

Add the turmeric, diced tomato, crushed pepper, curry leaves, the fish, water and rest of the ingredients except the coconut milk and mix gently. Cover and cook on very low level for another till the fish is tender and cooked. Stick a fork in it and you’ll know.

Reduce the heat to very low and add the coconut milk (DO NOT use high heat as coconut milk tends to curdle). Mix gently and simmer for a minute or two.

Garnish with fried tomato slices.

EAT!

2008-03-27T04:01:00.000-07:00

Here’s something I came up with whilst hunting for the recipe of coq-au-vin.

The best food critic is not the smarmy thong wearing skinny beeyatch on TV who doesn’t really eat a thing but just blahs on what she doesn’t know. It’s ME. HAH!

My friend Shwetha was on the Cabbage soup diet; the other day she wanted steak…as in beef steak, so that got me thinking where are the places to go for like various stuff.

I only recommend the places that I think are really good – as the best of the best. I mean there are a thousand places you could get any of these…but if you were my friend and you wanted to eat food, in Mumbai that you could enjoy I’d take you these places.

For more info go to http://mumbai.burrp.com

So we start with the entrée of the day:

Steak

I love beef. I don’t eat it anymore because I’m on a serious diet. But for those of y’all who are hunting for the right stuff these are the places to go and what you should eat – I know because I’ve had their stuff:

South Mumbai Steak Places:

Café Leopold, Colaba Causeway. You don’t know Leo’s; you don’t know Mumbai – THE BEST STEAK in the history of all steaks. Juicy, tangy, yummy: Steak and Onions: Superlicious!
Café Royal, right next to Regal Cinema. Great steak…in pepper/barbecue sauce.
Indigo behind the Taj. The food there is just good all the time. Steak is phenomenal
Kobe – Opera House. Steak sizzlers. Fancy finding beef in a Gujju area. Heheh! Suckers!

In the Suburbs, Shwetha recommends)

Yokos
Café Penne, Juhu
Olive Bar, Khar
Café Basilico, Bandra

“Recommended places” where you shouldn’t go?

Had a friend who went to New Martin’s opposite Strand at Colaba. She hated it so much she nearly complained to the Health Department. Problem is she doesn’t know whom to complain to. All hail Indian Bureaucracy and it's ambiguous nature!

Dosas

If you hate dosas you CANNOT like food. Dosas are your quintessential improv dish. Any idiot can make a dosa but it takes knack to make it well.

My dad tells me the Taj (as in the 5 star hotel) at Apollo Bunder is the best place to eat Sada Dosa and I’d love to agree but I can’t really try something that would be 1/5^th of my salary when it’s only 15 inches wide.
Roadside Dosawallas: for Mysore Masala that actually tastes like Mysore Masala dosa

Babulnath Dosawalla (near Babulnath Temple)
Chandralok Dosawalla (Napean Sea Road)
Canteen at Jai Hind College (brilliant!)
Haji Ali Dosawalla

For refined ambience and if you are going to stick to sada dosas…

Status, Nariman Point.
Kamat, Colaba

“Recommended places” where you shouldn’t go?
If Dosa Hut or Dosa Diner chain is still alive and active, for God's sake DON'T BLOODY GO!!!

Pav Bhaji (yes only three...I take Pav Bhaji very seriously.)

a. Shiv Sagar, Churchgate

b. Sukh Sargar, Chowpatty

c. Elco Market, Bandra

“Recommended places” where shouldn’t you go?

Chowpatty or Juhu Chowpatty. You'll probably get botulism the stale potatoes.

Pizzas:

1. Celini, Grand Hyatt, Santacruz, Mumbai. Literally in the middle of nowhere but the Pizza is worth the trip. Of course it’s so frickin’ expensive you might rethink about wanting to come back…but this is standard melt in your mouth pizza. Sun dried tomatoes in Celini – taste like sun dried tomatoes.

2. Trattoria, Taj President, Cuffe Parade

3. Frangipani, Hilton, Nariman Point

4. The Pizzeria, Marine Drive

“Recommended places” where you shouldn’t go?

Do not, I beg you go to Pizza Hut. It's crap.

Italian cuisine (Pizza, Pasta, Tiramisu and all that jazz)

1. Celini; Grand Hyatt, Santacruz

2. White; Ozone club, Goregaon

3. Cinnamon Bar and Grill

4. Little Italy; Andheri, Juhu

5. Trattoria, Taj President, Cuffe Parade

“Recommended places” where you shouldn’t go?

Bombay Blues. Ew for Pastas. Great for other stuff.

A friend recommended Corleone at the Intercontinental, Marine Drive. I’m yet to check it out.

If this blog ever gets read by anyone, and you have any recommendations for whatever food or whatever list or whatever cuisine, message me. I'll update.

Poulet de Poivre de Moutarde

2008-03-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

Okay...so finally! Made my super-duper Poulet de Poivre de Moutarde (Sounds fancy)

Now I remember why don't like entering the kitchen. My Mom's like a screaming banshee in there. Anyway I entered, whilst Mom was reading the paper.

Mustard-Pepper Chicken

Note: Not for people with acid peptic disease, piles or anything that gets aggravated with spice.

Spice Quotient for those of y'all who don't eat spice:

Beyond the frickin' Taco Bell Fire Sauce. My God. Goras are wimps when it comes to food.

Take the chicken piece you want to grill. Chicken breasts are better. I used two leg + thigh pieces. At least I think that’s what it was. Make sure the chicken is fresh and gentle firm consistency.

(The best way to judge this is a little gross. Feel the muscle of your forearm. If its consistency feels like that then you are good to go. Note – if you are a body builder then this test is pointless. Get someone else to check it for you.)

Trim excess and all visible fat.

(Yank the skin out, making sure you don’t tear up the muscle. The white soft gooey thing is the fat. If there is visible fat stuck on the chicken, pick at it. If you are grossed out, using cooking scissors or a knife to remove it – but the best thing to use is your hand.)

Rub in rock salt into the chicken.

(Just pick up the chicken piece take a handful of rock salt and smear it all over the chicken like you were massaging your skin. Try and rub it in like you’d make your moisturizer disappear into your skin. Don’t go too hard. Or the pieces will tear apart.)

Keep pieces on a plate, seal it into cellophane paper and keep in the freezer for fifteen minutes to half hour. This will make the muscle permeable to the marinade as well as the salt will flavor it.

Meanwhile we prepare the marinade:

What’s marinade? Don’t worry – if you don’t know what it is. I didn’t either. It’s the masala/spices/flavoring stuff you soak/cover the cooking item in for further purposes of grilling, cooking, baking, frying etc. If that’s not descriptive enough, Wikipedia it.

Also note: If you don’t know how to measure stuff then you seriously don’t deserve to live.

(For two pieces - six-seven inches long and/or wide)

½ cup of mint leaves

5-6 garlic gloves

50-60 of pepper kernels

1-2 tablespoons of yoghurt/curd

4 tablespoons of balsamic salad dressing

¼ tsp turmeric

¼ tsp red chili powder.

4-5 slivers of ginger

2 tsp of allspice/garam masala

2 tsp tomato powder/Tony Chechero’s Creole seasoning (I prefer the Creole seasoning)

3 teaspoons of ground mustard (main ingredient)

3 tsp of coriander powder

Note:

1. The turmeric and chili are more for colour than flavor so don’t go wild with it, else you’ll have super spicy chicken and if you’re a firangi then you’ll have a hole in your stomach.

2. Only if you are not rubbing the rock salt into the chicken); then you may add salt into the marinade; but remember Tony Chechero's is killer salty - so be wise. Alternative to rubbing in rock salt of course is soaking the chicken in brine.

Put them all together and grind them into a uniform paste. It’s always better that in the first vroom of the mixer/blender/grinder/processor you don’t add the yoghurt because the vinegar will split it and make it difficult to smoothen out. Also if you don’t get balsamic salad dressing; add any vinegar and a pinch of sugar for caramelization.

Pitfall: Make sure it’s not too watery.

Ground mustard should be good quality and not stale. You can get mustard ground anywhere. If you don’t get it, grind it yourself.

As soon as marinade is done. Take the chicken out of the freezer – yes dudes, out of the cellophane too. Now slit the chicken muscle here and there.

(Take a knife and cut half thickness through muscle but don’t cut it off so that one piece becomes two – because then you’d just be an idiot. I just jab the knife in and poke holes through it. Works phenomenally for a lazy ass like me).

I don’t know why people do this. My favorite theory is that the chicken will explode in the oven, but my mom says it’s so the flavor can get in.

There are two ways to marinade, for the culinarily challenged but gastronomically sound:

One – add some water in the paste – just a little bit, enough so that you can put it in a shallow but wide bowl and the just drench the chicken pieces in it and leave it there. Two – smear it all over the chicken, covering every nook and cranny of that once annoying now dead bird’s body part and make sure it’s covered completely. I recommend both because I love juicy chicken and the flavor needs to have got in completely. Yes, right down to the bone.

Okay – now what?

Two options. – One - Direct grilling. I never recommend this because the flavor doesn’t reach.

Second – cover your bowl or plate with cellophane and make sure it’s sealed from all sides. Keep in the fridge for minimum of four hours. I recommend you do all this and its best to keep overnight.

Then what?

Take it out – duh! And now you have again, several options as follows, in increasing order of calorie addition.

Grilling, Baking, Making a curry, Frying.

I grilled it. Then mixed a bit of leftover marinade with some curd and sautéd some onions and poured it over it like a sauce

When Levi wakes up from his sleep, sniffing with that expression on his face - you know it's good.

Tip:

1. If you want to reduce the amount of calories involved, and the time consumed in grilling: Microwave the chicken for ten mins. Then spray cooking spray over the chicken or grease lightly with oil. (Healthy oil options – olive, canola, safflower.)

Then after greasing grill tray – stick it in. Grill it. And keep turning over the pieces after every ten minutes so that both sides get grilled.

2. You want oh-so fattening chicken – don’t go crazy trimming out the fat and use butter for greasing.

3. This marinade is multipurpose. It works best with lean meat.

Levi Logic: What be vroom?
Answer: First run of the mixer/blender/grinder/processor that goes vrooooooooooom

Culinarily Challenged

2008-03-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

This should sound like a forum for Can’t Cook Anonymous – aka Culinarily Challenged Anonymous

I mean….seriously….

I’m twenty four. I’m ‘nice Indian gurl’ but I cannot cook.

It’s not like I don’t want to cook….I mean, seriously. I want to cook. I love food. I know everything there is to know about eating food by….my god…! Learning cooking from Mummy is a no no.

Learning how to cook from my Mom is like stuff that shrinks can have field days of cooking with. I mean she is super efficient in the kitchen and is the best cook on the planet, and therefore translation: worse cooking teacher ever.

The very first time I set foot into the kitchen – I think I was twelve and making your basic veg-sandwich.And she’s like: sprinkle the salt.

So I try the tap the edge of the spoon for the salt thing and well I’m taking my time because you know…you cannot overdo salt.

After a series of “not like that!” and “this way!” she’s got the…what our vagabond generationwould now call the “screw it!” expression and she says: “Go!” (huff) “I’ll do it myself!” (huff)

UNBELIEVABLE. I was twelve! I was totally put off by ever going into the kitchen again.

Anyway – the reality shock came the other day when I was at my aunt’s place and they had guests over. Now my cousin Sid, whom I adore and wish was my little brother, is a fantabulous cook. And he’s like twenty. And he’s a guy. (A MALLU GUY!!!) and the guests were all like: wow! You can cook! That’s amazing.

So well I scooted away because…I’m sensitive about the topic of cooking. Every frickin’ Kerala export I meet is like, “Mole (as in beti…daughter) can you cook?”

And I have that expression…(ya know…!Ugh! Not this question again.) Sheepish smile. Followed by a sheepier-is (is that a word?). “Sorry, I can’t cook. Not my thing.”

Now that’s the deal! It so…is…my thing! I love food…I loved tasting all kinds of food and I’m good with flavors and I know when stuff goes wrong. Now I’m watching every cuisine show on Discovery Travel and Living, if the Food Network ever comes to India I’ll be the happiest person on the planet. I actually cheer for the guys on Top Chef and Hell’s Kitchen.

So in theory I know how to cook.

Now – I decided to put my uber refined taste and culinary aptitude to practical use on Easter. For…three reasons.

One – it was chicken. I love chicken

Two – I’m twenty four, dammit!

Three – I can’t really think of a third reason; its just there so I can add it later :snicker: when I post the recipe

Fact: Jamie Oliver cooks better than Gordon Ramsay the Brit with a stick up his arse.