The Incredible Sulk: Poulet de Poivre de Moutarde

Okay...so finally! Made my super-duper Poulet de Poivre de Moutarde (Sounds fancy)

Now I remember why don't like entering the kitchen. My Mom's like a screaming banshee in there. Anyway I entered, whilst Mom was reading the paper.

Mustard-Pepper Chicken

Note: Not for people with acid peptic disease, piles or anything that gets aggravated with spice.

Spice Quotient for those of y'all who don't eat spice:

Beyond the frickin' Taco Bell Fire Sauce. My God. Goras are wimps when it comes to food.

Take the chicken piece you want to grill. Chicken breasts are better. I used two leg + thigh pieces. At least I think that’s what it was. Make sure the chicken is fresh and gentle firm consistency.

(The best way to judge this is a little gross. Feel the muscle of your forearm. If its consistency feels like that then you are good to go. Note – if you are a body builder then this test is pointless. Get someone else to check it for you.)

Trim excess and all visible fat.

(Yank the skin out, making sure you don’t tear up the muscle. The white soft gooey thing is the fat. If there is visible fat stuck on the chicken, pick at it. If you are grossed out, using cooking scissors or a knife to remove it – but the best thing to use is your hand.)

Rub in rock salt into the chicken.

(Just pick up the chicken piece take a handful of rock salt and smear it all over the chicken like you were massaging your skin. Try and rub it in like you’d make your moisturizer disappear into your skin. Don’t go too hard. Or the pieces will tear apart.)

Keep pieces on a plate, seal it into cellophane paper and keep in the freezer for fifteen minutes to half hour. This will make the muscle permeable to the marinade as well as the salt will flavor it.

Meanwhile we prepare the marinade:

What’s marinade? Don’t worry – if you don’t know what it is. I didn’t either. It’s the masala/spices/flavoring stuff you soak/cover the cooking item in for further purposes of grilling, cooking, baking, frying etc. If that’s not descriptive enough, Wikipedia it.

Also note: If you don’t know how to measure stuff then you seriously don’t deserve to live.

(For two pieces - six-seven inches long and/or wide)

½ cup of mint leaves

5-6 garlic gloves

50-60 of pepper kernels

1-2 tablespoons of yoghurt/curd

4 tablespoons of balsamic salad dressing

¼ tsp turmeric

¼ tsp red chili powder.

4-5 slivers of ginger

2 tsp of allspice/garam masala

2 tsp tomato powder/Tony Chechero’s Creole seasoning (I prefer the Creole seasoning)

3 teaspoons of ground mustard (main ingredient)

3 tsp of coriander powder

Note:

1. The turmeric and chili are more for colour than flavor so don’t go wild with it, else you’ll have super spicy chicken and if you’re a firangi then you’ll have a hole in your stomach.

2. Only if you are not rubbing the rock salt into the chicken); then you may add salt into the marinade; but remember Tony Chechero's is killer salty - so be wise. Alternative to rubbing in rock salt of course is soaking the chicken in brine.

Put them all together and grind them into a uniform paste. It’s always better that in the first vroom of the mixer/blender/grinder/processor you don’t add the yoghurt because the vinegar will split it and make it difficult to smoothen out. Also if you don’t get balsamic salad dressing; add any vinegar and a pinch of sugar for caramelization.

Pitfall: Make sure it’s not too watery.

Ground mustard should be good quality and not stale. You can get mustard ground anywhere. If you don’t get it, grind it yourself.

As soon as marinade is done. Take the chicken out of the freezer – yes dudes, out of the cellophane too. Now slit the chicken muscle here and there.

(Take a knife and cut half thickness through muscle but don’t cut it off so that one piece becomes two – because then you’d just be an idiot. I just jab the knife in and poke holes through it. Works phenomenally for a lazy ass like me).

I don’t know why people do this. My favorite theory is that the chicken will explode in the oven, but my mom says it’s so the flavor can get in.

There are two ways to marinade, for the culinarily challenged but gastronomically sound:

One – add some water in the paste – just a little bit, enough so that you can put it in a shallow but wide bowl and the just drench the chicken pieces in it and leave it there. Two – smear it all over the chicken, covering every nook and cranny of that once annoying now dead bird’s body part and make sure it’s covered completely. I recommend both because I love juicy chicken and the flavor needs to have got in completely. Yes, right down to the bone.

Okay – now what?

Two options. – One - Direct grilling. I never recommend this because the flavor doesn’t reach.

Second – cover your bowl or plate with cellophane and make sure it’s sealed from all sides. Keep in the fridge for minimum of four hours. I recommend you do all this and its best to keep overnight.

Then what?

Take it out – duh! And now you have again, several options as follows, in increasing order of calorie addition.

Grilling, Baking, Making a curry, Frying.

I grilled it. Then mixed a bit of leftover marinade with some curd and sautéd some onions and poured it over it like a sauce

When Levi wakes up from his sleep, sniffing with that expression on his face - you know it's good.

Tip:

1. If you want to reduce the amount of calories involved, and the time consumed in grilling: Microwave the chicken for ten mins. Then spray cooking spray over the chicken or grease lightly with oil. (Healthy oil options – olive, canola, safflower.)

Then after greasing grill tray – stick it in. Grill it. And keep turning over the pieces after every ten minutes so that both sides get grilled.

2. You want oh-so fattening chicken – don’t go crazy trimming out the fat and use butter for greasing.

3. This marinade is multipurpose. It works best with lean meat.